Cause and effect goes back to, well, the big bang I guess. One second there’s a “Boom”; the next second a universe. Cool.

What I’m referring to is the ‘ol Cash for Clunkers program. Where a good and useful used car can get shredded so grandkids tax money could be used to subsidize mom & dads new car.

The cause was to stimulate new auto sales. The effect: The little man got stomped. Used car prices have gone up about 10% in one year. Up 10%??? Yep, the darn supply and demand thing crept up and the demand out-paced supply. I know, how could government predict that in a depressed economy and increased unemployment would mean people would buy cheaper used cars than shiny new ones? Next thing they’re going to do is tax Ramen Noodles. That’ll teach those making more than $250,000.

Now off to buy a lottery ticket.

“Would whatisface sit down on her whatchamacallit and sign that dodad ?”

At least the majority party has passed a budget framework to work with for next year. What??? They haven’t? Geez. I miss the days when congress just taxed and spent. Now they borrow and spend. I believe this is how my brother-in-law got into trouble with Mr. Ho, the Chinese collection and butcher agent.

Happy Birthday, Mr. President. Let me buy a present on my 1 year olds credit card.

You see, just this week Governor Quinn signed a bill that included the licensing of Illinois braiders. If you braided hair for a minimum of two years we will let you braid for a fee. Everyone else needs 300 training hours or one day with this head. Most people regrettably are going underground with their illegal talent.

Representative Will Burns denies this is an extra tax but a way for a business to expand and create jobs. Stick to your guns, Will. Illinois needs all the jobs they can get.

Representative Monique Davis thinks that braiders should be free to braid at will. Something about not needing a license at all for the 68,000 cosmetologists in Illinois. Practicing a skill without government intrusion how un-American.

My satire license here has run out and I’ll have to get that renewed, but in all due honesty, it’s friggin hair! I can’t believe the Illinois Department of Financial and Professional Regulation is charging a fee and a requirement for something I do badly in the mirror each morning. Look at what the professionals do for Illinois hair already.

The rich are demonized, but hair braiders are the real tax cheats. (my satire license was renewed)

Unions Hire Nonunion Pickets to Protest Hiring of Nonunion Workers.

To Protest Hiring of Nonunion Help, Union Hires Nonunion Pickets.

Unions Hire Nonunion Demonstrators to Protest Nonunion Labor.

Not since The Onions take on outsourcing has a story begged to be satirized. (excerpt…if continues, by 2025 80% of all the work done in the world would be by the worlds poorest man…)

For $8.25 – $10 an hour, you can apply to picket, protest, and chant. Union representative, Vincent Garcia, wisely says, “For a lot of our members, it’s really difficult to have come out, either because of parking or something else,” Tell me about it. Ever go to court downtown? For $8.25 an hour it might be worth the $40-$60 for someone to sit in for me and say I’m guilty for doing 46mph in a 45mph zone.

Even people with super conviction in their cause can outsource their concern and bill it hourly. Online posts at craigslist have advertised rent-a-mobs for offshore drilling, foam cups, and political candidates. You would think this is dispiriting but I don’t think so. Who has time to advertise your deep-down burning desire cause when so many people are out of work? This could be an awesome government program for jobless and exercise! A person can chant, walk, and get paid. What more could a government program want?

I’m very upset about the number of soiled water mammals in our ocean. I probably can find 30-40 people to hold a sign that demands the government to “Bathe the Whales!“. Oh, I crack me up.

Yep, it’s that time of the year when a very very very famous, liked, and universally loved person celebrates that special day.

The man of steel himself will be turning 43 this July 31st. Dean Cain, you rock! Not just from his all-star power lead in Dragon-Fighter or Lois & Clark, but from his quick cameo in Rat Race!

And to think if July 31st never existed, millions of teenage girl minds wouldn’t be softened by J.K. Rowling. Yep, the, “Harry Potter” queen is turning 44 on the last day of this month. It’s kinda sad that she only accomplished one notable achievement. I know it lasted twelve years, but c’mon, I know a dog that can fetch and is potty trained.

Some lesser known people who have left this mortal coil to blow candles out in the sky would be Ted Cassidy (Lurch), and Ronald Reagan’s mentor, Milton Friedman. Take that Keynesian economics. (A Friedman favorite of mine, “If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there’d be a shortage of sand.”)

So go on out and buy a card or a Lamborghini to your favorite person who has blessed the world by merely agreeing to be born. They sacrificed so you could too.

I’m surprised I didn’t catch it the first time I read the 2200 page bill. Here it is in plain english, “On page 25 of 29—TITLE IX REVENUE PROVISIONS—SUBTITLE A: REVENUE OFFSET PROVISIONS—(sec. 9001, as modified by sec. 10901)  Sec.9002  ”requires employers to include in the W-2 form of each employee the aggregate cost of applicable employer sponsored group health coverage that is excludable from the employees gross income.”

Yep, I get to report more income in 2011 by simply having insurance.

The best part about this provision is that elected officials will not be able to increase their income. In fact they are exempt from the provisions of this bill. You would think if they spent all that time to pass the healthcare bill they would have at least remembered to add their names to the list.

I wonder what other oversights the President and the Speaker have made?

You see the White House has a contest where federal workers can submit their ideas on how to save tax-payers money.  38,000 employees submitted an idea.  The winner gets to meet President Obama and have their idea executively initiated.  As this is the second annual SAVE award, I know I can win this honor.

Since I am only an employer of the federal government and not an employee, I am willing to share this idea.  For that lucky winner scribble this on a piece of paper and send it up.

“Eliminate my department.”

See? Simple.  Compared to last years winner of letting VA patients to take home extra bandages (I know, giving out resources to save money, who knew???) this idea can be grand.  It could be a first 38,000 way tie! (wait, we have 38,000 federal employees?)

Win-win-win.  Ahh, now onto my “Mr. Snowman” idea.

Meet Pamela Gorman. Cute, perky, gun toting Gorman.  She sure knows how to handle a gun.  To be honest, if it wasn’t for the video proof, I wouldn’t believe she could handle a tommy-gun.  She is the tough girl that Hillary always wanted to be.  Oh well, live and learn.

We worship our celebrities to give us truth and insight into the world such as war, global warming, and of course technology. The artist currently known as Prince has declared the internet is essentially over. And this really comes as great relief to me.

It’s bad enough that my iPhone and laptop blinks 12:00 all the time and I wasn’t ready to have these devices blink 12:00 on a 4G network. So now I can go back to the traditional things in my house that blink 12:00, my rotary phone.

So once again, the educated insightful celebrities have predicted the future and I must obey. oops, gotta go, have to reboot my toothbrush.